Country Music and Drowning Bagels:A Godly Roadtrip
by KatofFlorida
Summary: The gods Poseidon, Zeus, Dionysus, Apollo, Ares, Hephaestus, Hermes, Morpheus, Aphrodite, Hera, Hecate, Artemis, Athena, and Demeter decided to take a magical roadtrip. They can barely stand each other, how can they survive being in a van together?
1. Chapter 1

**Random story! Maybe a few chapters! Also, Finn isn't to thrilled about the idea. It's not Kingdom Keepers. **

Chapter 1: The Great Pillow Fight of the Gods, Country music, and Pillow Pets

_Third Person POV_

Zeus gripped the wheel like it was his master bolt and someone was going to steal it again. Athena was arguing with him, pointing at random spots on the map and claiming that "this is the way to our destination!" The three closest to driver and shotgun were Apollo, Hera, and Poseidon. Poseidon was creating little whirlpools in his water bottle, Apollo was whipping his hair back and forth, and Hera was yelling at Zeus the driver at the same time Athena was. Behind them were Hephaestus, Dionysus and Hermes. Hermes was yelling through his caduceus, Dionysus was commanding that Hermes order him some wine, and Hephaestus was tinkering with a metal butterfly that spewed hand sanitizer. Near the back of the van was Morpheus, Hecate and Demeter. Morpheus was asleep on his Pillow Pet, Hecate was trying to bewitch her pencil, and Demeter was sprouting wheat from the air vent. In the back of the extremely long van, squished against the luggage, was Ares, Artemis and Aphrodite. Ares was trying to talk to his girlfriend a seat away, Artemis was angry at Demeter for blocking the air flow, and Aphrodite was applying mascara and asking Zeus if he could 'prevent potholes in the road so she can fix her makeup properly'. In other words, it was chaos.

"You should've turned left at that exit!" Athena exclaimed.

"The bathrooms are too far away!" Hera added.

"I'm turning!" Zeus growled.

"You're suffocating me!" Artemis yelled.

"I'm creating a healthier environment!" Demeter protested.

"I whip my hair back and forth!" Apollo sang.

"I hate that song!" Dionysus complained.

"No! A _blue _iguana! Are you deaf?" Hermes yelled into is caduceus.

"So the kid tries to hurt me. Me. Of all people. Are you even listening?" Ares demanded.

"Of course," Aphrodite said vaguely, dabbing at her lipgloss.

"Does anyone want hand sanitizer?" Hepahestus asked warily. Demeter raised her hand. She rubbed the sanitizer on her hand before shrieking loudly.

"I have a cut on my hand! IT BURNS!"

"Apollo?"

"On it," he took out his headphones and healed her. Morpheus snored loudly. Hecate whacked him with her pillow.

"OW!" he jumped up suddenly, waving his hands around wildly. Aphrodite slumped into sleep, faceplanting in her blush. Poseidon choked on air and Hera whacked him on the back.

"Thanks," he coughed.

"Look! A distraction!" Hephaestus yelled. Everyone looked where he was pointing out the window.

"Ha ha," Athena grumbled.

"Interesting mind trick," Artemis observed.

"Are we there yet?" Poseidon asked.

"I _hate_ this song! Change the radio station, please?" Hecate complained.

"THE TIGER DOESN'T MATTER!" Demeter shrieked.

"It was hypothetical!" Dionysus protested.

"WAKE UP!" Ares yelled, clapping his hands in front of Aphrodite, who woke up.

"Huh?" she asked groggily. She whipped out her mirror and screamed.

"PULL OVER! WE ARE STAYING AT A HOTEL!"

"I am not pulling over! We still have a couple hours left until Utah!"

"NOBODY LIVES IN UTAH! PULL. OVER!"

"One of my kids lived in Utah!" Demeter snapped.

"PULL OVER!"

"SHUT UP!" Zeus yelled. Morpheus snapped his fingers. Aphrodite passed out.

"Thank me," Athena sighed, rolling her eyes. Morpheus nodded, squishing his unicorn Pillow Pet.

"Can I see that?" Hephaestus asked.

"The last time you asked if you could see something, I never got it back."

"Uh, I don't know what you're talking about?"

"Uh, no. Mr. Sparkles is MINE. You can get your own." Hephaestus grumbled and slumped in his seat dejectedly.

"Are we there yet?" Apollo asked as a Keith Urban song came on. Everyone groaned except Demeter.

"NOT COUNTRY!" Poseidon wailed.

"Kill me now," Ares muttered.

"Imbeciles," Hermes grumbled.

"It's nice!" Demeter protested.

"It's about boys," Artemis scoffed. "Useless."

"I resent that!" Demeter exclaimed. The god of the sky sighed, hoping the next hours would fly by.

**Scene change...?**

_Thank you so much dear._

_Soft beds are comfortable._

_Free breakfast is good._

"Shut up!" Poseidon yelled, whacking Apollo on the arm as they were leaving the registration counter. Zeus pointed at an elevator that was closing.

"NOO!" Hermes screamed. Hecate sighed and the doors reopened.

"Pile in," Zeus said. They all managed to fit in the elevator. The floors ticked by slowly. Too slow for Hephaestus.

"A mechanic needs to get in here," he grumbled as he stopped the elevator to fix it.

"Come on! Can we _not _fix everything in sight?" Ares growled. Hephaestus glared at him as his beard burst into flames before dying down. He finished messing with the elevator and stood back. It went faster this time, getting them to the floor right away.

"Move! I want to see the room first!" Aphrodite pushed her way out of the elevator and ran down the hallway, heels clicking, then she stopped, turned around. "Which room is it?"

"This one," Dionysus said vaguely, turning down the opposite hallway. Zeus pulled the keycard from his pocket and inserted it in.

"Here's our room!" he exclaimed as they turned the doorknob. Nothing happened.

"Why is nothing happening?" Hermes asked.

"Did it flash green?" Poseidon asked.

"You probably didn't do it right," Hephaestus said, unhelpfully.

"Not helping," Artemis grumbled. Apollo had his iPod on and was rocking out to some song and actually ran into the wall.

"Try it again," Hera suggested. Zeus tried it again. The door didn't open.

"For the gods' sakes!" Athena exclaimed, shoving her father out of the way and inserting the keycard. She slammed her body weight against the door and it swung open. Athena grabbed her suitcase and rolled in. Everyone managed to fit in through the doorway while everyone was trying to get in at once.

"I wanted to be first!" Aphrodite whined.

"A wine bottle! Party!" Dionysus noticed. There was a wine bottle on a complimentary desk. Artemis opened the curtains.

"Hey look, Poseidon, a pool. A nice one at that. HEY!" Poseidon shoved Artemis out of the way to look.

"It has a waterfall!" he exclaimed. He raised his arm and small waves appeared in the pool and the kids screamed in delight. Artemis claimed the bed closest to the door.

"Mine!" she said, collapsing on it.

"This shall be mine," Zeus rumbled, pointing to the bed across the room.

"No, _that's _your bed," Hera interrupted, pointing to the biggest bed. "I'm your wife and we sleep in the same bed."

"Do I have to?" Zeus whined. Hera gave him an icy look. "Fine…" he trudged to the bed and started unpacking.

"My bed!" Poseidon flopped on the one closest to the window.

"I like this one," Dionysus said dryly, it was the bed closest to the wine bottle.

"It seems smart of me to be close to Artemis," Athena observed, setting her suitcase on the bed next to her. Artemis nodded in approval.

"Hey hey, she's _my _little sister," Apollo protested.

"For the last time, Apollo, I helped mother give birth to you! I am the oldest!"

"Is that true?" Apollo yelled to Zeus.

"Yes it is," he said.

"They never should've been born," Hera muttered.

"I heard that!"

"I think that I'll just," Morpheus started but collapsed on the bed, snoring.

"I'm not sleeping near him!" Aphrodite exclaimed, finding the other biggest bed.

"Hey! That's for couples only!" Zeus snapped.

"Okay! Ares, get over…"

"REAL couples. MARRIED couples," Hera added. Aphrodite scowled. Hephaestus hobbled over.

"Uh, no. I'll sleep somewhere else," she muttered, moving to a smaller bed. Hephaestus looked dejected before moving to another bed.

"That's not very nice," Hecate snapped, standing before Aphrodite.

"So?"

"Do you remember when you chose him? Millenia ago on Mount Olympus? How every god here was fighting for your hand and you chose Hephaestus? Do you remember that?"

"Oh, I remember that."

"What I'm saying is, if you love love so much, how come you're determined to get rid of one?" Hecate finished, then backed off. It became very silent as Hecate walked over to the bed Aphrodite wanted.

"Sleep in the queen-sized bed, Hephaestus," she patted the sheets. He hobbled over there, giving her a rare, thankful smile as he unpacked.

"A strange form of protection," Artemis muttered. "But I like it." Hera clapped in approval. Dionysus offered Hecate wine. Morpheus snored, and Poseidon created a water bottle made out of water.

"Smart and quite brave, Hecate. I was right to bring you along," Athena noted. The silence was broken.

"Uh, no. I brought her here! I said 'Hecate would be a good choice!'" Apollo protested.

"No, I said that!" Ares growled.

"You think I wouldn't remember what I said?"

"You think that _I_ wouldn't remember what _I _said?"

"You wanna go?" Apollo threatened.

"Let them fight," Athena sighed.

"Come at me bro!" Ares yelled. Apollo grabbed Athena's pillow that she was leaning on and she fell onto the bed in surprise. Ares laughed.

"You think you're going to beat me, god of war, with a puny…. OW!" Apollo hit Ares over the head with the pillow. Ares grabbed his pillow and the pillow fight began. Apollo would hit Ares in the side, and Ares would retaliate, hitting Apollo on the head. Then the observing gods got into a fight too. Athena hit Hermes over the head with Hermes' own pillow, since Athena's pillow was in use. Hecate hit Aphrodite in side, making her tumble to the carpeted floor.

"Take that!" Hecate exclaimed. Artemis tapped her.

"May I?" she asked.

"Of course," Hecate allowed. Artemis stepped forward.

"Love is useless!" she yelled as she hit Aphrodite with a pillow.

"This can be called the Great Pillow Fight of the Gods," Demeter said before Hera hit her with a pillow.

**I hope you liked this enchanting chapter. It was entertaining to write in seventh period Psychology when I was supposed to watch the brain video. **


	2. Chapter 2

**That was fast. Well, I started typing this the day after the 1st chapter came out. It depends on when I finish it.**

Chapter 2: Suitcases, Drowning Bagels, and Uma Thurman

_Third Person POV_

"Are you awake?" Aphrodite hissed.

"Now I am," Ares muttered. The lights turned on and everyone groaned.

"I couldn't see!" Aphrodite protested, delicately applying blush. A pillow messed her up. "Poseidon!" she whined.

"Well, if it gets you turn off the lights FOR THE THIRD TIME, then that's a good thing." It was the third time Aphrodite had turned on the lights to apply makeup throughout the night.

"Unplug it, Hephaestus," Apollo mumbled into his pillow. Hephaestus got up and removed all the light bulbs.

"Natural," Demeter noted.

"How am I supposed to see?" Aphrodite exclaimed.

"You're not supposed to see while sleeping!" Morpheus informed her.

"Who sleeps anymore? Sleeping is overrated!"

"Sleep is healthy for you. It gives your brain vital time to repair brain cells and clean damaged ones, or even replace them. The Frontal Lobe of your brain shuts down first, that is where logical thinking is processed," Athena said, not-so-helpfully.

"Go to bed," Morpheus commanded and everyone fell asleep.

A rooster crowed loudly until a pillow was thrown at it.

"I can't help it if he follows me here," Demeter protested.

"You can wring his neck and make some Kentucky Fried Chicken," Ares suggested. Artemis hit him on the head.

"It was just a suggestion!"

"A lame one," Apollo grumbled, taking his iPod out of the charger.

"Where are we going now?" Hera asked Zeus. He took out the map that Athena had.

"We're going to…"

"Where are we now?" Aphrodite asked.

"Colorado."

"I don't see any snow," she sniffed disdainfully.

"We're going to Washington, so we have… one stop at the end of Utah…"

"Where no one lives."

"Katie lives there," snapped Demeter.

"I'm trying to talk! Another stop in Oregon…. Then we're there!"

"I'm hungry," Hermes whined.

"Me too," Dionysus agreed.

"Complimentary breakfast?" Hecate suggested.

"That's not a lame suggestion," Apollo said. Ares glared at him. They all piled into the now-fast-elevator and made their way down the elevator. There were a couple of other people in the elevator too, squishing the gods against the wall, and the button panel.

"NOOO!" Hephaestus exclaimed as Hermes hit floors 4 and 5. The doors opened. No one got out. The doors closed. The elevator went down a floor. The doors opened. No one got out. The doors closed. It went on for five floors until they reached the lobby.

"Thank me!" Poseidon exclaimed. Dionysus tripped over his shoelace.

"You should tie that," Artemis advised.

"Thanks for nothing," he muttered. They tried to sit down at a table, but took up four. One table had Athena, Hera, Poseidon, and Zeus. The next table had Apollo, Artemis, Aphrodite, and Hermes. The third table had Hephaestus, Dionysus, Morpheus and Hecate. The last table had two seats: Demeter and Ares. Athena was rationalizing the calories in Poseidon's bagel, Poseidon was making pictures on the table with a droplet of water, Zeus was nibbling on a waffle, and Hera was telling him about a dress that she found a week ago. Apollo was dunking his bagel in coffee and making _blub blub _noises as he drowned his bagel, Artemis was watching him in disgust, Aphrodite was trying to get Hermes to hold her mirror, and Hermes was refusing and making explosion noises whenever he bit down on his piece of toast. Hephaestus was drawing a blueprint of a cellphone that spit out sticky notes, Dionysus was turning his orange juice to wine, Hecate was turning Dionysus' wine to orange juice, and Morpheus had long fallen asleep in his plate of bacon and eggs. Demeter was lecturing Ares on a balanced breakfast and the history of cereal, and Ares was sharpening his knife underneath the table.

"Stop it!" Dionysus exclaimed.

"Restrictions!" Hecate reminded him.

"At camp, I'm not at camp am I?"

"Zeus said you could not drink wine until he said so. Nothing to do with camp."

"Since the wheat on the bagel is about forty calories, you're eating a 127 calorie bagel."

"I don't care," Poseidon grumbled, not wanting to eat his 127 calorie bagel anymore.

"What color was it?" Zeus asked blandly.

"It was a pea green… you know what that looks like, right? There was a fuchsia purse… and oh! That maroon handbag…." Hera jabbered.

"Blub-blub-blub-blub. AH! I'm DROWNING!" Apollo exclaimed.

"Why am I related to him?" Artemis muttered.

"Please?"

"NO! I am NOT holding your mirror for you!" Hermes snapped. He made an explosion noise as he sipped his juice. Morpheus snored loudly.

"Does this make sense to you?" Hephaestus showed Dionysus his blue print. Needless to say, the manager received many complaints about the strange people at breakfast.

"I can't believe they kicked us out," Poseidon finally said, breaking the silence in the car.

"I think Dionysus was scaring the children," Hecate suggested.

"I think it was Hephaestus and his weird obsession of asking 'Does this make sense?'"

"Uh, no. It was Morpheus. Who sleeps in their breakfast anyway?"

"It was comfy!" the god of sleep protested. "And it was Hermes and his explosion noises."  
>"No it wasn't! Apollo was drowning his bagel!"<p>

"That's natural!" Apollo yelled. "Hera was ranting about a barren handbag!"

"Maroon!" Hera corrected. "And Zeus pretended to listen!"

"I honestly don't care about you're shopping trips! And what kind of color is fuchsia anyway?"

"It's a gorgeous hot pinkish color!" Aphrodite chirped from the back. "It goes beauteously with purple!"

"I know!" Hera agreed.

"And I don't care how many calories were in my bagel!" Poseidon snapped.

"You should watch your weight, overweight Cyclops!" Athena hissed.

"Ooooohhhh….." everyone said.  
>"At least I'm not an owl lady who has thousands of owls in their house!"<p>

"Ooooohhhh…..." everyone said.

"Owls are intelligent creatures, unlike the one behind me," she said offended.

"Bring it Owl Lady!"

"You wanna go, Fish Brain?"

"At least I have a brain and I'm not a robot computer!"

"STOP IT!" Hecate yelled, and Morpheus whacked Posidon on the head with Mr. Sparkles, then hit Athena with the Pillow Pet.

"For a pillow, it's painful!" Ares piped up.

"That's because he's a unicorn!"

"Are we there yet?" Dionysus sighed.

"Let's play a game!" Hera said. Everyone groaned.

"I say 'we're going on a trip, and in our suitcase, and we have….' And then we name something that starts with the next letter of the alphabet. Then we go around the car! But you have to repeat what the people said before you! Okay?" Everyone started to shake their heads.

"OKAY!" Hera yelled forcefully. Everyone nodded enthusiastically.

"Apollo you first," Hera said, smiling.

"We're going on a trip and in our suitcase, we have… Apollo!" Everyone sighed.

"Okay, my turn!" Hera said. "We're going on a trip and in our suitcase, we have… an airplane, and a baboon!"

"We're going on a trip, and in our suitcase, we have an airplane, a baboon, and a cod," Poseidon mumbled reluctantly.

"We're going on a trip, and in our suitcase, we have an airplane, a baboon, a cotton ball, and a drum wrench," Hephaestus volunteered.

"We're going on a trip and in our suitcase…" Dionysus began.

**Five hours and much argument later…**

"Last one!" Hera exclaimed.

"We're going on a trip, and in our suitcase we have a lot of stuff and a zebra."

"No, Aphrodite, you can't do that," Hera _tsk tsk_ed her. Aphrodite growled.

"And in our suitcase, we have an airplane, a baboon, a cod, a drum wrench, Elvira, Florida Kingsnake, Giraffe, Hexing Potion, Ice Cream Cones the Cereal, Javelin, Kangaroos, Lip Gloss, Master Bolt, Northern Hawk Owl, Octopus, Peacock, Queen Angelfish, Ratchet Wrench, Spanish Wine, Taiwan Beauty Snake, Uma Thurman, Violent Markers, Wild Animal Crunch the Cereal, X-51 Hypersonic Cruise Missile, Yaks, and a Zebra," Aphrodite finished. Everyone clapped and cheered.

"Who wants to play again?" Hera asked excitedly. Everyone groaned.

"WHO WANTS TO PLAY?" Everyone nodded.

**My sister, mom and I play that game when we drive to North Carolina. Except there's fourteen people in that car. In case you're lazy and want to know who said what…:**

**Apollo said: Apollo; Octopus**

**Hera said: Baboon; Peacock**

**Poseidon said: Cod; Queen Angelfish (All types of fish)**

**Hephaestus said: Drum Wrench; Ratchet Wrench (All types of wrenches)**

**Dionysus said: Elviris; Spanish Wine (All types of wine)**

**Hermes said: Florida Kingsnake; Taiwan Beauty Snake (All types of snakes)**

**Morpheus said: Giraffe; Uma Thurman**

**Hecate said: Hexing Potion; Violent Markers**

**Demeter said: Ice Cream Cones the Cereal; Wild Animal Crunch the Cereal (All types of cereal)**

**Ares said: Javelin; X-51 Hypersonic Cruise Missile (All types of weapons)**

**Artemis said: Kangaroos; Yaks (All animals she hunted in the last week)**

**Aphrodite said: Lip Gloss; Zebras**


	3. Chapter 3

**BLOOOP! I don't know... Some of you wonder where they are going… Hmm… you'll find out in this chapter!**

Chapter 3

_Apollo POV_

I guess me jamming out to my music wasn't appreciated, and Morpheus put me to sleep. Jerk. I dreamt I was in a field of wheat. Was Demeter invading? That would not be cool, at ALL. I went through the field to the lone tree where a hot girl sat, reading a book. I tried to say something, flirt with her, but my voice didn't work and she kept asking me questions that I couldn't answer. Then, the wheat turned to flowers, and the flowers turned into monsters, strangling her and drowning her in a puddle of pink lip gloss. Aphrodite? Lightning struck the red tree, and everything turned gray. A voice laughed evilly through the sky and lightning struck the ground next to me. Dad. Suddenly, a huge wave burst through, drowning everything and sweeping me away. I couldn't swim and suddenly I had to go to the bathroom.

"NA-HURR!" I screamed, before waking up in the car, everyone staring at me. Slow applause came from the back of the car, where Ares was trying not to laugh, Aphrodite was applying make-up, not even paying attention and Artemis was shaking her head.

"Nobody lives in Utah," Demeter said, her head suddenly floating next to me. I was still dreaming? "Utah… tah…. Tah… tah…" she had an echoing affect.

"Stop driving so fast… fast… fast…" Aphrodite's head appeared next to Demeter's, still chanting "Tah… tah…" Hephaestus joined.

"Can I see that… that… that…" his voice echoed, floating next to his… uh… wife's.

"Disgrace… grace… grace… grace…" Artemis' head chanted while everyone else's head slowly appeared, chanting an annoying quote and wouldn't leave me alone.

"NOO!" I yelled and woke myself up. Everyone was staring at me.

"Bad dreams?" Morpheus said nonchalantly, stroking his Pillow Pet unicorn, Mr. Sparkles.

"We're almost to Washington!" Zeus announced, interrupting the awkward moment.

"YAY! The place where true love officially happened!" Aphrodite squealed, clapping her hands.

"Wait, what?" Poseidon asked, raising his hand slightly.

"We're going to Spoons," Hera explained.

"Do you mean Forks?" Hecate asked.

"Yes, yes. Whichever silverware it is," my stepmom said dismissively.

"We're going to Forks?" I asked. "Why?"

"Well-" Artemis started.

"Twilight took place there!" Aphrodite burst. Everyone groaned.

"Love is useless, just like Washington!" Artemis snapped.

"If there's wine, we're good," Dionysus sighed with a bored tone.

"That disgusting creation took place there?" Hephaestus snorted.

"My ears are bleeding from that name!" I mumbled.

"Belle and Edgar should eat more cereal," Demeter declared.

"It's Bella and Edward," Aphrodite corrected.

"Same thing," Hermes sighed.

"Couldn't they just drown the stupid fairy?" Poseidon asked. "Is that how the books ended?"  
>"No! They got married and had a kid!" Aphrodite informed us.<p>

"Enough about Midnight! I'm turning on the radio!" Zeus interrupted loudly.

"It's Twilight!" Aphrodite wailed from the back. The music station immediately started blaring Jason Aldean.

"CAN THIS DAY GET ANY WORSE?" Hermes shrieked.

"Twilight, then country music? We'll get a flat tire next!" Morpheus sighed.

"MY TOE HURTS BECAUSE POSEIDON'S STEPPING ON IT!" I yelled, trying to move my toe.

"IF YOU'RE FEET WEREN'T SO FAT, WE WOULDN'T HAVE THIS PROBLEM!" he snapped.

"Honky tonk? Are those even words?" Hera sighed, pushing Poseidon and I apart.

"No," Athena agreed.

"Change it!" Ares growled.

"Please, before my eardrums burst," Dionysus said, also with a bored tone. Zeus switched the station.

"Baby, baby, baby, ohhh," the radio screamed.

"NO!" Hera yelled.

"I love her though!" Aphrodite whined, as Zeus turned the radio off.

"Seriously?" Artemis said, looking at Aphrodite.

"What? She's good! I love 'Mistletoe' the best though! It's so cute!"

"Really?" Hecate looked behind her at Aphrodite.

"What?" Aphrodite was confused.

"'She'?" Hephaestus asked.

"What?" Now Aphrodite was annoyed.

"It's a dude!" I said.

"No it's not!" she protested.

"Yes it is. It's a guy. His name is Justin," Hermes said.

"But… the voice…"

"It's a guy!" Poseidon yelled. "Get over it!"

"That appears physically impossible," Athena argued. "The voice of Justin cannot be this high-pitched."

"Puberty?" Aphrodite asked. "How old is sh.. he?"

"I think he's seventeen," Demeter mused. Aphrodite spit out the mocha coffee with extra whipped cream at Demeter's response that she had decided to drink before.

"Seventeen?" Aphrodite squeaked.

"That's probably what he sounded like before puberty," Ares chuckled. Various snorts of laughter were heard through the car. I sighed and put my earbuds in, happy to hear regular songs.

**Shorter than usual, and the lovely conversation of Twilight and Justin Bieber, common pickings for jokes. And yes, they're going to Forks, Washington. But that's not the only reason they're on a roadtrip. Each god/goddess has picked a destination they want to go to, and Aphrodite's was the place of 'ultimate love'. Gag. Find out where the other gods/goddesses picked in the following chapters!**

**Read and Review?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Yay for Godly Roadtrips making life more interesting! **

Chapter 4: Evil Puddles, Tickle Fights, and Flaming Hair

_Third Person POV_

Aphrodite squealed in excitement as they passed the 'Welcome to Forks' sign.

"If I were dyslexic, I could've sworn it said 'Welcome to Your Doom'," Poseidon whispered to Hera. She nodded in response. The huge van parked in a visitor center. Aphrodite practically leaped out of the car only to land in a puddle of water.

"EW!" she shrieked, trying to get water out of her shoe. "IT'S COLD AND WET!"

"Water? Wet? You don't say," Hermes said.

"POSEIDON!" she yelled.

"Oh, darn, my hands hurt. No magic powers for me today," Poseidon said sarcastically, rubbing his hands for effect.

"DADDY!"

"Dear, I can only do one thing at a time," Zeus said, grabbing a map to the area.

"Where are we even going?" Apollo complained.

"This place is very healthy for the environment," Demeter said, sniffing the air.

"That's because it reeks of vampires and werewolves," Dionysus replied.

"I'm BORED!" Morpheus complained.

"Stop it! We just got here!" Zeus exclaimed, rolling up the map and whacking the god of dreams on his shoulder.

"Where are we going to now?" Athena wondered.

"La Push Beach!" Aphrodite squealed, forgetting about her wet shoe.

"NO!" Artemis yelled. "No beach!"

"It's too cold for the beach," Apollo agreed.

"I'm tough enough to pound this beach to the ground," Ares announced.

"That's impossible," Athena said.

"The beach is already on the ground," Hera chimed in.

"I WANT TO GO TO THE BEACH!"

"It's too cold!" Hecate snapped.

"We're only walking on the beach. No swimming," Zeus finally said. Everyone except Aphrodite and Ares groaned. She clapped enthusiastically and ran forward, stepping into another puddle and falling onto the wet, dirty ground. Demeter snorted, Dionysus chuckled, Hephaestus rolled his eyes, Zeus wasn't paying attention, Hera sighed, and Poseidon, Morpheus, Hecate, Apollo, Artemis, and Hermes cracked up. Ares helped her up.

"This is the worst trip ever! I want to go home!" Aphrodite whined.

"No! This is awesome!" Apollo protested.

"Onward," Zeus said, completely ignoring his children, brothers, and sisters. He looked up and saw Aphrodite scowling with her clothes covered in gravel and water, and everyone else smiling happily. Hera was trying to warm her up, and Ares just stood there, glaring at nothing.

"What'd I miss?"

"Too much," Dionysus said in a bored tone.

"I WANT TO LEAVE!" Zeus sighed and put his stuff back in the car and opened the car doors.

"We're going?" Apollo asked in surprise.

"I didn't want to be here anyway," Zeus mumbled.

"I don't think anyone did," Artemis sighed, going to the back.

"Except for Aphrodite, but she hates being wet or dirty," Athena sighed. Zeus started the car and they pulled out, leaving Forks forever. A half-an –hour later, Aphrodite, who they assumed was just being quiet but had actually fallen asleep, woke up and looked where the car was going.

"I WANT TO GO BACK!"

"SHUT UP! WE JUST LEFT!" Poseidon yelled.

"Morpheus!" Artemis begged. Morpheus snored in response.

"Wake him up!" Ares yelled.

"TICKLE FIGHT!" Hermes shrieked, reaching to Dionysus and began tickling him. Who knows why Hermes chose that specific moment to begin a tickle fight. Dionysus began wriggling in his seat to get away from Hermes. Before you knew it, Apollo and Poseidon were tickling Hera and she was shrieking and trying to get away, Hephaestus was trying to help Dionysus from Hermes, Morpheus was snoring and Demeter was tickling Hecate with magical wheat stems and Hecate was tickling Demeter with invisible hands, Artemis was trying to stop Ares from tickling his girlfriend a seat away.

"AGHHHHHHHHH!" Hera was yelling right in Zeus and Athena's ear.

"No Hermes! LET GO!" Hephaestus commanded.

"AHAHAHAHA!" Hermes replied.

"Get away from me!" Dionysus snapped. Morpheus snored loudly.

"SHUT UP!" Athena yelled. No one heard her.

"AH!" Demeter was trying to bat away the hands, and Hecate was strangling each wheat stem.

"DIE ORGANIC PLANTS!" Hecate screamed crazily.

"No Ares! Don't make me slap you!"

"NOOO!"

"STAY AWAY FROM ME, ARES!" Aphrodite shrieked.

"SILENCE!" Zeus rumbled and everyone stopped.

"Have we learned-" Zeus didn't even finish his sentence before Hecate sneezed.

"Bless you," Athena said.

"Bless you!" Apollo grinned.

"Bless you," Hera said grimly.

"ME BLESS YOU!" Poseidon exclaimed.

"Bless you," Hephaestus mumbled.

"Do you want me to order you some tissues?" Hermes asked.

"She needs wine," Dionysus argued.

"HUH?" Morpheus screamed, sitting upright.

"God bless you, and God bless the environment," Demeter said, nodding.

"Who gives a crap about the environment?" Ares snarled.

"I do," Artemis snapped, slapping Ares.

"NATURE," Aphrodite said loudly, "is disgusting."

"No it's not!" Demeter yelled.

"Leave it to the stupid people to say nature is disgusting," Athena mumbled not-so-quietly.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" Ares yelled, angry.

"I said, 'Leave it to the stupid people to say nature is disgusting'," she repeated.

"I think that was rhetorical," Zeus told her.

"I'LL GET YOU OWLHEAD!" Ares unbuckled his seatbelt and began climbing over the seats. Everyone was screaming and wailing.

"YOU ALMOST HIT MY FACE!"

"YOU SMELL!"

"PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!"

"GO BACK TO YOUR SEAT, ARES!"

"YOU'RE SITTING ON MR. SPARKLES!"

"DON'T MAKE ME STRANGLE YOU!"

"I CAN'T BREATHE!"

"MY HAIR IS ON FIRE!"

"I HAVE A BRUISE ON MY KNEE!"

"CAN WE WATCH A MOVIE?"

"I'M HUNGRY!" Zeus sighed. He wondered if he packed aspirin.

**So there's that! I hope you liked the chapter, I know I did. **

**Read and Review? PLEASE?**


	5. Chapter 5

**Is it weird that I come back to this story five months after I wrote it, and I laugh hysterically? Because I'm that funny. But seriously. Now it's time for Poseidon's pick! Venice Beach in California! Poseidon? Pick a beach? Imagine that.**

Chapter 5: Flaming Hair, Tent Poles, and Branches

_Third Person POV_

"I think we're here," Zeus frowned. "Maybe."

"What's maybe?" Poseidon asked frantically.

"I don't think this is it!" Hermes announced from three rows away. Everyone looked out the window.

"You don't say," Hera said sarcastically.

"IS THAT A DUMPSTER?" Aphrodite screamed in terror.

"Gee, I don't know where my makeup remover tissues go," Dionysus said dryly.

"Was that an insult?"

"I can make a wind-up asparagus!" Hephaestus yelled.

"Asparagus is a plant. Good for the environment," Demeter nodded.

"Shut up!" Ares yelled.

"Don't tell me to shut up! I'll tell you to shut up, you wheat head!"

"I'M the wheat head?"

"Are we there yet?" Hecate whined.

"He said 'maybe'," Poseidon told her.

"What does maybe mean?" Apollo asked.

"Maybe, an adverb, means perhaps or possibly," Athena said unhelpfully.

"Not literally, you tin can!" Apollo snapped.

"Did he just call me a tin can?" Athena glanced at Poseidon, bewildered.

"He could've called you a cabbage," Poseidon shrugged.

"Okay, it is here. Get out," Zeus sighed, opening his car door.

"No it's not, I don't see a beach," Poseidon said.

"It's behind the dumpster, isn't it?" Aphrodite asked hopefully.

"No, I don't see the beach, I just need to get away from you all!" Zeus stormed off in a random direction towards a forest and disappeared into a clump of trees. Hera ran after him. The group of gods and goddesses stood there by the van.

"Do you think he's mad at us?" Hecate asked.

"Rationally so," Athena said mournfully.

"What does that even mean?" Aphrodite demanded.

"It means something only smart people would understand," Apollo told her.

"Oh. Wait, what?"

"My point proven."

"Is this insult Aphrodite day?" she shrieked. "You all are so mean! I'm leaving!" She stomped off, her heel breaking almost instantly. Apollo snickered. Everyone suppressed their laughter.

"STOP IT!" she whined and kept walking.

"Where are you going?" Ares called, running after her.

"I'm getting away from these people!"

And just like that, Aphrodite and Ares were gone.

"Where are they going?" Demeter asked.

"Who knows? She'll be back soon," Poseidon shrugged.

"How do you know? She looked upset," Artemis said.

"She left her mascara in the cup holder."

Then, with a flash of lightning, Zeus appeared with Hera.

"Alright, let's go find Venice Beach."

"YAY!" Poseidon cheered.

"About time," Apollo muttered.

"Not the beach!" Artemis complained.  
>"People litter," Demeter added.<p>

"You're more than welcome to start a beach-cleanup, but we're going to the beach. In the car."

Zeus climbed back in the driver's seat and revved up the engine.

"That sounded like a buffalo," Artemis said thoughtfully.

"The fajitas?" Apollo glanced back at her.

"Well it sounded like MY buffalo."

Zeus sighed and turned on the radio.

"HEY I HEARD YOU WERE A WILD ONE!"

"Change the station! I hate this song!" Hermes yelled.

"The Wild…" Artemis said dreamily. Zeus pulled out of the rest stop and soon they were on their way to… wherever.

"WATCH OUT!" Hera screamed and Zeus jerked the wheel to the left, causing the van to skid and spin. The whole van was screaming uncontrollably.

"Oh. Never mind, that's a branch. Keep going."

Zeus glared at his wife and got the van back on track.

"Is everyone okay?"

Poseidon had his face covered with a 'Driving for Dummies' book, Athena was hiding behind Apollo who was using the handle on the roof to brace himself. Hephaestus was holding his broken, wind-up asparagus; Hermes was trying to order a coffin from his caduceus; Dionysus was drinking wine, not caring at all that they almost crashed; Morpheus had woken up only when Hecate knocked Mr. Sparkles from his grasp, screamed in her face and went back to sleep; Hecate was offended; and Demeter had made a solid wheat barrier that no one could break for thirty more minutes with constant axe-hacking, fires, and "YOU CAN COME OUT NOW", and Artemis was sprawled across the seats.

"Yeah," came a few tentative replies.

After two more hours of driving, they finally made it to Venice Beach. Poseidon was the first one out, grabbing a beach ball, towel, and jumped in the ocean. Who knows where he got a beach ball or a towel or even his swimsuit on. They set up by the beach after Hecate scared away the people in the good spots by making their tent poles attack them and begin beating them up. Artemis told a bunch of crabs in the sand to bite all their toes. In a few quick moments, the family was gone and the good spot belonged to the gods and goddesses. Poseidon didn't bother to help set up.

"Do we have any food?"  
>"Sea weed is good for you."<br>"Not for my tastebuds."

"Don't be facetious."

"What does that even mean?"

"Facetious, an adjective, means to not be taken li-"

"Shut up! Don't ruin this for me!"  
>"My feet hurt."<p>

"I'm tired!"

"My hair's wet!"

"At a beach? You don't say…"

"MOM!"

"You don't have a mom!"

"It felt good to say."

"WHERE'S MY HAT?"

"I didn't take it."

"I didn't ask you if you took it… did you take it?"  
>"IT'S RAINING MEN! HALLELUJAH IT'S RAINING MEN!"<p>

"NO APOLLO SHUT UP!"

"SILENCE!" Zeus roared. Everyone quieted down.

"Where's Aphrodite and Ares?"

Silence.

"Where is Aphrodite and Ares?"

More silence.

"WHERE IS APHRODITE AND ARES?"

"Depends on where the rest stop was."

"Who?"

"Narnia?"

"That's not real."

"People don't think we're real."

"How absurd."

"Did someone say 'bird'?"

"No…?"  
>"Oh."<br>"IS MY HAIR ON FIRE?"  
>Zeus groaned.<p>

"Stay here, I have to go get Aphrodite and Ares." He started up the beach and towards the van.

"AAAHHHH VAMPIRE!" Morpheus yelled.

**Yep. Abandoning the losers. I hope this amounts to all the randomness. OKAY, I have to go watch the last Harry Potter. I never saw it.**

**Read and Review?**


	6. Chapter 6

**WHAT I'M BACK ALREADY? Yes. **

Chapter 6: Aliens, Rocket Launcher Noises, and Armpits

_Third Person POV_

At Venice Beach, the gods, well some, and the goddesses were having so much fun. At least, Apollo thought so. The others quietly disagreed. And I use 'quietly' very loosely.

"STOP BURNING THE SAND!" Hecate complained.

"Try this seaweed!" Demeter exclaimed.

"That's not good for you!" Artemis said.

"All plants are good for you," Demeter protested.

"My back hurts!" Hephaestus complained.

"I'm hungry!" Morpheus whined.

"Can we go get a doughnut?" Apollo asked.

"Is that Brad Pitt?" Hera asked.

"No, it's just me."

"Oh shut up Hermes."

"PARTY ROCK IS IN THE HOUUUUSE TONIGHT!" Apollo sang.

"Everyday I'm shuffling!" Hermes added.

"Ugh, dubstep is stupid," Dionysus said.

"It's aliens trying to communicate with us," Hephaestus declared. Everyone stared at him.

"Aliens," he said. Hera dunked him underwater.

"Has anyone seen your father?"

"What about _your _father?" Apollo challenged. Hera gave him the evil eye.

"My father is long dead. Where is your father?"

"WHEE!" Poseidon sailed by on a Canadian dolphin. How did they know it was Canadian? It had a maple leaf on its forehead.

"CATCH!" He threw the beach ball at his siblings. It hit Hera square in the back of the head. Hermes started chuckling, bubbles were rising from the water while Hephaestus was laughing, Apollo and Artemis snickered, Hecate splashed Morpheus, Morpheus started yelling about bananas coming to Earth, Hera was yelling at Poseidon who wasn't even listening. Eventually he left the Canadian dolphin for a Russian dolphin. How did he know it was Russian? It told him.

"You do not throw beach balls at ladies!" Hera scolded.

"My back hurts!" Hephaestus complained, popping out of the water.

"Drown you stupid god!" Hecate exclaimed, trying to splash Morpheus.

"THE BANANAS. THEY'RE HERE. ON EARTH. WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE."

"What is he rambling about?" Apollo asked.

"WHEE!" Poseidon cheered.

"Ha ha… hee hee," Artemis snickered.

"HAHHAHAHHHA," Hermes laughed hysterically.

"I'm drowning!"

"You're right here."

"NOOOOOO."  
>Athena finally waded in with them after reading 'Pride and Prejudice' for the ninth time.<p>

"ATHENA!" Artemis cheered.

"What did I miss?"

"Hera got hit with a beach ball!"

"I'm drowning!"

Apollo made a rocket launching noise.

"WHEE!" Poseidon cheered.

"SHARK!" Hermes yelled. Everyone started screaming. Artemis and Poseidon shrugged.

"AHHHHHHH!" Hera screamed.

"AHHHHHHH!" Hecate screamed.

"AHHHHHHH!" Hermes screamed.

"AHHHHHHH!" Athena screamed.

"AHHHHHHH!" Apollo screamed.

"AHHHHHHH!" Hephaestus screamed.

"Ahhhhhhhhh," Dionysus said, sipping wine that he summoned out of thin air.

"AHHHHHHH!" Demeter screamed. Morpheus had long fallen asleep in the water, face down, with the appearance of being dead. Hecate splashed him, but he didn't wake up.  
>"Go away," Poseidon told the shark. The shark went away.<br>"Is that a bird?" Hermes asked, pointing to the sky.  
>"Is it a plane?" Apollo asked.<p>

"Planes ruin the environment," Demeter said.  
>"I think it's Zeus," Athena said.<br>"Why would Zeus look like an airplane?" Hecate asked.

"No-" Athena started.

"Is that Brad Pitt?"

"Hehe… Arm Pitt," Apollo snickered. Artemis shook her head, Athena sighed, Hecate rolled her eyes, Hera glared at him, and all the gods started laughing hysterically.

"HAHAHHAHA!" Hermes laughed the loudest.

"Calm down," Dionysus told him.

"He has a case of… LAUGHING GAS!" Apollo said jokingly.

"Where would he get laughing gas from?" Athena asked seriously, killing the joke. Apollo sighed.

"Buzzkill," he muttered.

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" Athena roared.

"Um… a … buzzard?" Apollo said timidly.

"YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS." Athena lunged at Apollo. Apollo shrieked and went underwater. The 'plane'/'bird' crashed into the water, splashing every single one of them.

"I GOT WET!" Aphrodite complained.  
>"In the ocean? You don't say," Dionysus said dryly.<p>

"Welcome back," Hera greeted.

"Thanks," Ares grumbled, glaring at them all. Everyone else mumbled a 'hi' or 'hello'. Hephaestus mumbled a 'go away'. But no one heard him so it was okay. Zeus frowned at them.

"I wish-" Zeus started.

"STOP IT! ZEUS, MORPHEUS IS TRYING TO EAT MY ARM IN HIS SLEEP," Apollo shouted, shaking his arm violently, where Morpheus was waving his tongue around and trying to bite his arm. Zeus pulled Morpheus off.

"HUH?" Morpheus shouted, flailing his arms. Ares fell into the water snoring.

"LOOK AT ME NOW," Apollo sang. He was rocking out so hard that he slammed his head into the water for a moment.

"AHA!" Athena pounced on the situation. She pushed Apollo's head down into the water.

"BULLY! BULLY BOX!" Hephaestus shouted, prying the goddess off of Apollo. He came for air sputtering. Zeus pushed her into the bully box.

"NOOOOOO!"

"Can we go home?"

"We still have like ten more places to go," Poseidon told her, getting off of his dolphin.

"I'M GETTING PAPER."  
>"I don't know if those are the words, Apollo," Hermes told him.<br>"SHUT UP."

"Someone has his rude hat on today."

"Oooooh," everyone said.

"Someone forgot his manners today."

"Oooooh," everyone said.

"Someone-"

"LIKE YOU!" Aphrodite squealed. "I love Adele!"

Artemis sighed.  
>"Can we go now?"<p>

"We have to go to a hotel for the night," Zeus said.

"Can we swim in the pool?"

"I hope they have wine."

"I want a bed."

"I hope they have a nice library."

"I hope they have pens to stab people."

"Ooh! Maybe they'll have mirrors!"

"Maybe I can go shopping."

"Maybe they'll be other witches!"

"I hope they have wine."

"You already said that."  
>"I know. I can say it any time I want. I hope they have wine."<p>

"You sound like a robot."

"ALIENS!" Hephaestus shouted. Zeus remembered why he didn't want to go on this stupid trip in the first place.

**Heh. I have strange thoughts. **

**R&R?**


	7. Chapter 7

**I was feeling random-y so I decided to write another chapter here. Here you go! Chapter… Um… Whatever…? 8 I think?**

Actually Chapter 7: Flaming Cars, Chicken McNuggets, and Flying Staples

Zeus decided that even though his trip was farther away from Venice Beach, and he was supposed to go last, he wanted to go to Maine. He heard they had nice weather there. Being one of the oldest gods, he tended to pick boring things, as he had learned from the complaining passengers.

"PULL OVER I SAW A MCDONALD'S!" Hermes yelled.

"I'm starving!" Ares roared. Artemis slapped him for being so loud. And for being a boy.

"C IS FOR COOKIE, AND COOKIE IS FOR ME!" Apollo sang.

"Why are you listening to the Sesame Street soundtrack?" Hermes asked Apollo. Apollo didn't respond because he was too busy twerking in his chair.

"You're disgusting," Athena declared.

"THERE GOES ANOTHER MCDONALD'S!" Poseidon pointed out.

"Does anyone want to see a dead body?" Morpheus offered.

The whole car fell silent.

Morpheus coughed then fell asleep.

The car erupted into noises again.

"Who did he kill?" Hera asked.

"Where's my gorilla?"

"I hate you!"

"I hate you too!"

"VALENTINE'S DAY IS TODAY!" Aphrodite squealed.

Everyone groaned.

"Why didn't Morpheus kill her?" Dionysus muttered.

Zeus turned on the radio.

"I HATE THIS SONG!" Hera declared and turned off the radio station. The radio hosts were talking and there was no song on.

Ares and Aphrodite were trying to kiss each other from across the seats with Artemis shoving them apart shouting, "SILENT NIGHT! HOLY NIGHT!" over and over.

Morpheus was still asleep and Demeter was sprouting corn at the fields as they drove by. Hecate was turning the air conditioner on and off. Hephaestus was trying to create a small box that spit staples. One flew and hit him in the forehead. Dionysus was pouring another bottle of wine that spilled on Hermes when they hit a pothole. Poseidon was sprinkling water on Athena's head and waiting for her to notice. Athena was noticing, but was ignoring him. Apollo was talking about rubber duckies. Hera was having a loud Skype call with the King of the Peacocks.

Zeus wanted to stab somebody.

"SILENT NIGHT! HOLY NIGHT!"

"I love Christmas!" Aphrodite gushed while trying to crawl over Artemis.

"STOP DOING THAT! I NEED MY AIR!"

"Sorry, not sorry."

"OW THERE'S A STAPLE IN MY FOREHEAD!"

"THIS IS A GUCCI SUIT!"

"That's nice," Dionysus said sarcastically.

"Hehehe," Poseidon giggled.

"One day, I'll kill him," Athena said to Apollo.

Apollo wasn't listening.

"RUBBER DUCKY, YOU'RE THE ONE!"

Zeus took this opportune moment to pull into a drive-thru.

"YAY!" everyone chorused.

"I'm vegan!" Demeter declared.

"You're stupid!" Ares said.

"You're stupid!" Demeter shot back.

"Stupid, adjective, means-" Athena started.

"DROWN THE OLIVE PIZZA!"

"Where's my super suit?"

"IS THAT CHRIS BROWN?"

"Hit him with the car," Apollo suggested, now listening.

"Violence is not the answer," Demeter said. "Make cereal, not war."

"That's not the quote."  
>"I think I know my quotes."<br>"I don't think you do."

"I think you need to shower."

"Good afternoon! How may I help you today?" the box crackled.

"OH MY GODS IT TALKED!"

Everyone started screaming and yelling.

"GET THE DEMON AWAY FROM ME!"

"IT'LL EAT MY CHILDREN!"

"THAT'S OKAY, YOU HAVE LAME CHILDREN!"

Demeter and Hermes proceeded to have a slapping fight.

"HOW DOES A BOX TALK?"

"WITCHCRAFT!"

"Huh?" Hecate asked.

"WHAT HAS IT GOTS IN ITS POCKETSES?"  
>"I CAN'T BREATHE!"<p>

"SILENT NIGHT! HOLY NIGHT!"

The cashier was very confused.

"SHUT UP!" Zeus roared. The car shook and burst into flames.

Twenty minutes later, all the gods were standing outside the car with blankets draped around them.

"You lit the car on fire," Hermes pointed out.

Zeus sighed.

"How are we going to get to your boring place?" Aphrodite asked.

"I don't think we are," Hera said.

"I don't think you are," Poseidon said.

"What does that mean?"  
>"What do you mean?"<br>"Why are you doing that?"  
>"Why are you existing?"<br>"STOP IT."  
>"STOP EXISTING."<br>"POSEIDON!"  
>"HERA!"<p>

"Zeus, I'm still hungry."

"I don't care."  
>"I don't care about you," Poseidon said.<p>

"Poseidon…" Zeus warned.

"Where's my super suit?"  
>"Who keeps saying that?"<p>

"I am."

"No you aren't."

"Oh."

"HEPHAESTUS STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF!" Artemis snapped.

"Is this the real life? Or is this just fantasy?" Apollo sang.

"You're a fantasy."  
>"Happy Valentine's Day. I love you."<br>"Hephaestus, stop talking to yourself. That's weird."  
>"He has a staple in his head."<br>"Maybe he has brain damage."  
>"He already had brain damage."<p>

"Can we throw Hermes outside?"  
>"We're already outside."<p>

"Hey guys!" Athena said, coming back out from McDonald's. All the gods mobbed her.

"FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!" they shrieked. Hephaestus accidentally elbowed Athena's ChickenMcNuggets and they fell to the ground.

"MY FOOD!" Athena wailed. She got onto her knees and screamed up at the sky, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Ares pushed her over.

Aphrodite painted her nails with nail polish she got from nowhere.

Hephaestus was telling himself a knock knock joke.

Morpheus was heaped in the grass.

Athena was sobbing into the asphalt over her ChickenMcNuggets.

"We should form a band," Apollo said.

"No."

"Just a thought."

"Knock knock!"

"Who's there?"  
>"GO DIE!" Poseidon said, shoving Hephaestus.<p>

"Go die who?"  
>Zeus took a bite from his Big Mac.<p>

This was going to take a while.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey everyone! I got a computer that actually lets me go onto fanfiction . net now, so progress will be made! I really should be working on KKPJMR but my friend Josh just started reading this so hello Josh. *gets out fedora, hops on stage, disco ball comes out, catches microphone thrown to me by no one in particular* This one's for you!**

**DISCLAIMER: (I haven't done one of these since World War II wow) I don't own the Greek Gods and Goddesses. I do however own this story since this spawned from the retarded part of my brain and my bored hands. I don't own Josh, but I'd like to think I do because I can tell him what to do.**

Chapter 8: New Vans, Mission Impossible, and Brain Damage Potato

Since the van blew up in a violent and fiery method, the gods knew they had to find some other way to get to old and boring Zeus's wishful destination, Maine. After an attempted questioning by the police about the incident which was denied by Morpheus who ended up making the police officers fall asleep on top of their cars. Ares thought it would be funny to put ketchup on them and pretend they were dead, but Hera thought it was too "gruesome" and "childish", whatever that means.

Zeus was talking to the car rental dealer while the rest of them waited inside on the couches. Hera was reading a magazine with Aphrodite, giggling over fashion ideas and celebrity men. Poseidon was messing with a poor customer trying to get water out of the water fountain on the wall. Ares growled at anyone who came inside the rental place, Dionysus was drinking wine and lamenting about "The Sound and The Fury" which was supposedly written by one of his sons. Artemis was hiding behind a magazine, hoping no one would associate her with her siblings. Apollo was also hiding behind a magazine, but he was humming the Mission Impossible theme and his magazine was upside down. Hephaestus was cackling while doing something suspicious to one of the cars on display in the rental place. Hermes was 'quietly' trying to steal a cookie because he was unsure if they offered them to customers or not. Hecate was asleep thanks to Morpheus who accidentally sneezed on her. Morpheus was trying to balance Mr. Sparkles on his head, and wailing loudly like a three-year old child when Mr. Sparkles didn't stay on.

"Look, if you could make this quick…" Zeus said pleadingly.

"Ryan Gosling's eyes are like pools of… pools!" Aphrodite gushed. Hera nodded in agreement.

Poseidon snorted loudly when he made the water shoot into the customer's eye.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrr," Ares said.

"If only Caroline had loved her son!" Dionysus sobbed into his red wine.

"Oh gods," Artemis muttered.

"DA DA DADADA!" Apollo shrieked, not really humming anymore.

"Heehee," Hephaestus giggled while closing the car door behind him, making sure the windows were up.

"Hey," Hermes said conspicuously to a worker walking by him as he pretended to be fixing his hair instead of grabbing for a sugar cookie with rainbow sprinkles.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO!" Morpheus cried, staring down at the body of Mr. Sparkles on the ground.

The worker Zeus was talking to looked at the group behind him, then back to Zeus.

"Here are the keys to the van. Juan will bring it out shortly."

Zeus nodded.

How efficient. He must take his family on more trips to a car rental. Then he thought about what he'd been through. He should never ever take his family on a trip, period.

They sat back in their spots as they had been before the car casually burst into flames while in the McDonald's drive-thru.

As they were crossing the state line, he heard a loud thud. Zeus took a suspicious look in the back but everyone was silent.

It was peaceful. It was nice.

And there was something definitely wrong.

"Hera," he whispered.

"What?" Hera asked quickly.

He raised an eyebrow at her. "What's wrong with everyone?"  
>"Nothing! Nothing's wrong with anyone! Nothing's wrong at all! Muffins!" Hera stammered.<p>

"What's going on?"  
>She sighed.<p>

"They told Athena to go to the bathroom before leaving and then they told you to floor it. You haven't noticed the empty seat in the first row in hours."

"WHAT?" Zeus shrieked.

"YOU SCARED ME!" Morpheus wailed.

"Shut up!" Hecate exclaimed.

"OH MY GOD WHERE'S DEMETER?" Apollo shouted.

"DEMETER? WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'WHERE'S DEMETER?' I THOUGHT YOU SAID WE WERE MISSING ATHENA," Zeus shouted.

"ATHENA? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHERE'S ATHENA?" Artemis shrieked.

"I'M NOT HERE!" Hermes exclaimed.

"Yes you are!" Dionysus said.

"ZEUS YOU MESSED UP MY MAKEUP! SADFACE EMOJI!"

"MR. SPARKLES SAYS TO STOP SHOUTING!"

"WHAT'S MY NAME?"

"I NEED A TISSUE."

"OH MY GOD IS THAT A COW?"

"MY HAIR IS ON FIRE!"

"EVERYONE STOP!" Zeus roared.

Everyone was silent for a moment.

"You kind of sounded like a lion," Apollo said. Everyone murmured in agreement.

"You left Athena in the bathroom of the car rental place?" Zeus asked.

"Well, yeah," Poseidon said.

"She's annoying," Hermes said. "Purple."  
>"She tried to tell me definition of 'definition'. Who does that?" Ares demanded.<p>

"That doesn't mean you leave her in the bathroom!" Demeter exclaimed.  
>"That's rude!" Artemis agreed.<p>

Everyone stopped and looked at Demeter.  
>"When did you get here?" Hermes asked. "Falafel."<br>"You weren't here two minutes ago," Poseidon said.  
>"She is a goddess. She can zap places," Hecate said.<p>

"So why isn't Athena here?" Hephaestus asked.  
>"What did you do to that car? Lasagna?" Hermes asked.<p>

Zeus thought about it for a minute.  
>"Maybe she went back to Olympus," Dionysus suggested.<br>"I think Hermes might have brain damage," Hecate said, looking over her seat at Hermes. No one had noticed that he still had a staple in his forehead.

"Hermes? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, why? Oogly boogly!"

"Should I pull over?" Zeus asked.

"YES!" all the goddesses said.

"NO!" all the gods said.

"Lily pad!" Hermes added.

"He's fine, he's expanding his vocabulary," Apollo said reassuringly.

"I'm pulling over," Zeus said.

He pulled the van to the side of the road.

"Everyone but Hermes out!"  
>Everyone groaned, but got out of the car except for Hermes.<p>

Zeus took Hermes's staple out.  
>"OUCH! POTATO SKIN!"<p>

As the others were outside the car, Artemis looked up at the top of the car.  
>"Athena?" she exclaimed.<p>

Everyone looked to the top of the van.

Athena was on top of the car.

"Hey guys! LOL I zapped here!" she said. Hephaestus frowned.

"Why is she talking like that?"  
>"It's because I love you!" Aphrodite said.<p>

"What?"  
>"Have you noticed that cabbage's look like heads?" Apollo asked.<p>

Ares was riding around on the back of a mechanical bull.

"What's going on?" Hephaestus asked.

The god of the forge awoke suddenly.

Had that all been a dream?

He looked around, checking for his siblings.

No one was there.

He had passed out in the display car at the rental place.

**Chapter finished! R&R?**


End file.
